New Issue Coming in April!

National Pasquinade No. 77Hey everybody! It’s the editor, Ed, with a Very Important Announcement™ for our faithful readers. I know we stated at the end of the last issue that our next theme would be “Luck.” However, due to contractual conflicts with the state lottery commission and a very intimidating gentleman from New Jersey named “Ratso,” we’ve decided to change the theme of the upcoming issue. We’ve had to scrap several very funny stories and articles and write new pieces to fit this theme. New stories like “Don’t Miss the Skidmark” and “Phil Collins Goes To The Movies Commando!” are sure to please.

Watch for National Pasquinade No. 77, the I’m Not Wearing Any Underwear #, coming in April!

Humor Writing Prompt #5: Fucking Leprechauns!

Humor Writing Prompts

And don’t wish for more wishes. There’s been a loophole to counter that one for over sixty years. Those little assholes have pooled their collective knowledge through social networking and it’s virtually impossible to formulate a great wish that won’t screw you in the end.

In an ongoing attempt to jump-start your attempt to pen something uproariously funny, or at the very least amusing, here’s another jolt of inspiration for you creative types to use as you will.

Fucking Leprechauns. Sure, if you catch one, it’ll grant you wishes. But can you trust that the wishes won’t have some unexpected and unfortunate twist? And how in bloody hell do you catch one anyway? Sure, in the movies you just lure them into a trap with a small pot of gold-painted coins, but it’s a new millennium, folks. They’ve had centuries to adapt. I want to know what I need to do to catch a leprechaun in 2017. And what I have to do to ensure my wishes of fame and fortune don’t backfire on me. #FuckingLeprechauns

Share your results, or a link to your results if they’re longer, in the comments, if you feel so compelled. Happy writing.

Humor Writing Prompt #4: Five Words

Humor Writing Prompts

Like the tail of the thawing opossum peeking from a deep puddle of slush, I could feel the start of a bad case of shingles coming on. “Don’t fret,” she said to me. “If they don’t look good on our roof, we can always donate them to Goodwill.”

In an ongoing attempt to jump-start your attempt to pen something uproariously funny, or at the very least amusing, here’s another jolt of inspiration for you creative types to use as you will.

Five Words. Choose three of the following five words to include in a single paragraph. Form of the word is okay. For instance, “donates” and “donated” are fair game. As an additional challenge, use your paragraph in a story. #FiveWordsHWP

  • Opossum
  • Donate
  • Fret
  • Slush
  • Shingles

Share your results, or a link to your results if they’re longer, in the comments, if you feel so compelled. Happy writing.

Muselist No. 77: Lucky #

Muselist

Music has always come hand-in-hand with putting together each issue of the National Pasquinade, inspiring the content and creation. Hell, “muse” is even part of the word!

What follows here are some tunes that are inspiring me during the creation of the upcoming Lucky #. Maybe they’ll also inspire you to create and submit your own comic masterpiece.

If you’d like to listen on Spotify, I’ve created a playlist just for you (note that not all of the songs listed below are available).

  • “With a Little Luck” (Paul McCartney and Wings)
  • “(Believed You Were) Lucky” (‘Til Tuesday)
  • “I Bet My Life” (Imagine Dragons)
  • “You Got Lucky” (Tom Petty)
  • “Happy Go Lucky Me” (Paul Evans)
  • “Some Guys Have All The Luck” (Rod Stewart)
  • “Casino Queen” (Wilco)
  • “Lucky Star” (Madonna)
  • “Knock On Wood” (Amii Stewart)
  • “Tumbling Dice” (The Rolling Stones)
  • “The Lottery Song” (Nilsson)
  • “The Turn of a Friendly Card” (The Alan Parsons Project)
  • “Lucky Man” (Emerson, Lake & Palmer)
  • “The Joker” (The Steve Miller Band)
  • “Queen of Hearts” (Juice Newton)
  • “Lucky One” (Michael Penn)
  • “Casino Royale” (Herb Alpert & the Tijuana Brass)
  • “I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor” (Arctic Monkeys)
  • “Junior’s Farm” (Paul McCartney and Wings)
  • “Viva Las Vegas” (Elvis Presley)
  • “Lucky Strike” (Maroon 5)
  • “Money For Nothing” (Dire Straits)
  • “Lucky Devil” (Carl Dobkins, Jr.)
  • “Atlantic City” (Bruce Springsteen)
  • “Beatin’ The Odds” (Molly Hatchet)
  • “The Gambler” (Kenny Rogers)
  • “Chances Are” (Johnny Mathis)
  • “The Luckiest” (Ben Folds)
  • “Show Biz Kids” (Steely Dan)
  • “Born Under A Bad Sign” (Albert King)
  • “Take a Chance On Me” (Abba)
  • “Fortune Cookie” (Los Straitjackets)
  • “The Lucky One” (Mary Lou Lord)
  • “Guaranteed” (John Hoskinson)
  • “You Better You Bet” (The Who)
  • “Gambling Man (My Odds Are Stacked)” (The Worst Cover Band Of The World)

 

Humor Writing Prompt #3: Run-On (and On and On and On)

Humor Writing Prompts

“It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents — except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.”
— Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, Paul Clifford (1830)

In an ongoing attempt to jump-start your attempt to pen something uproariously funny, or at the very least amusing, here’s another jolt of inspiration for you creative types to use as you will.

Humor Writing Prompt #3: Inspired by, and in the fine and longstanding tradition (well, since 1982) of, The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, write, type, or word-process the opening sentence to your future self’s bestselling novel, any genre; this glorious sentence should contain, at the very least, fifty words, should contain no more than one semicolon, and unlike this run-on atrocity, should be funny on some level and convey something similar to a plot.

Share your results, or a link to your results if they’re longer, in the comments, if you feel so compelled. Happy writing.

Make America Grate Again # (No. 76, Winter 2017)

76. Make America Grate AgainIssue 76, the Make America Grate Again #, is now available for download.

It’s not a particularly lengthy issue, but what it lacks in quantity, it makes up for in quality.

It is currently available as a mobi file for Kindle users, as an epub for other e-readers, and as a PDF for everyone else. More details can be found on the Downloads page.

 

Listeria #18: How To Spend A Snow Day

Listeria #18This installment of Listeria was submitted by the Midnight Tree Bandit. He lives in Maine. Maine has already seen a great deal of snow this season. When huge amounts of snow fall, schools will close and students get to stay home; employers will sometimes grant their employees a day off from work. The above has been stated to give some context to this installment of Listeria to hashtaggers playing in Florida.

How to Spend a Snow Day

  • Build a snow effigy of Donald Trump and hit it with a flamethrower, screaming “This is the best meltdown ever!  No body melts down like me!”
  • Figure out how to make a snow devil
  • Add stunt ramps to the local snowmobile trails

To play, post your own answers on Twitter to @pasquinade with the hashtag #SnowDayActivities, comment on the post on our Facebook page, or comment here. I encourage you, as well, to share this post freely. The more folks playing, the more there is to enjoy.

Still open:

Humor Writing Prompt #2: Time Journal

Humor Writing Prompts

If I didn’t know any better, I’d think that piece of toast looks exactly like the bread that disappeared from my toaster in 1983!

Happy New Years’ Eve, folks. Here’s another poke in the head for you creative types to run with.

Humor Writing Prompt #2: You’ve just discovered, entirely by accident, that an ordinary everyday item has somehow gained the ability to transport you through time. Compose a series of journal entries that reveal the discovery and your subsequent journeys.

Share your results, or a link to your results if they’re longer, in the comments, if you feel so compelled. Happy writing.

Listeria #17: Where The Time Has Gone

Listeria #17Happy New Years’ Eve. It’s been awhile since posting a new Listeria topic. But I wanted to get one more in before the end of 2016.

This time, we wonder where the time has gone. Play along on Facebook and Twitter and, when the ball drops, remember the optimism that a new year brings. And try not to kiss a frog.

Where The Time Has Gone

  • Nowhere. There are still three issues in my doctor’s waiting room.
  • On the corner of Mill and Union Streets.
  • How would I know? I can’t even find my car keys!
  • It’s being shared with an older couple in Boca Raton.

To play, post your own answers on Twitter to @pasquinade with the hashtag #WhereTheTimeHasGone, comment on the post on our Facebook page, or comment here. I encourage you, as well, to share this post freely. The more folks playing, the more there is to enjoy.

Still open:

Humor Writing Prompts

Humor Writing Prompts

“If I didn’t have writing, I’d be running down the street hurling grenades in people’s faces.” —Paul Fussell

A good friend of mine from way back in the middle ages decided last week to start writing daily on his old LiveJournal feed. I’d almost forgotten I had an account there myself. I haven’t posted there in years, but luckily my browser still remembered my password.

So, as a way of getting those creative juices flowing in the new year for my friend and anyone else with writers’ constipation, I figured I could throw out an occasional writing prompt, with a strong leaning toward the humorous, to get you started. Which direction you take it in is entirely up to you.

Humor Writing Prompt #1: Since it’s Christmas Eve, compose a story or chapter that begins with the following line:

The first sign there was going to be trouble was when the Santa Tracker at NORAD went dark.

Share your results, or a link to your results if they’re longer, in the comments, if you feel so compelled. Happy writing.