Listeria #19: Things James Comey Has Written in His Notebook

Listeria No. 19: Comey's NotebookIt was recently revealed that former FBI director James Comey took extensive notes on everything, including his meetings with Donald Trump. This installment of Listeria wonders what Comey’s other musings might be.

Things James Comey Has Written in His Notebook

  • That Gilmore Girls reunion on NetFlix? Really sweet. Even after binging it for the fifth time.
  • Trump knows about the aliens. No, scratch that, he just talking about the Mexicans again.
  • WTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTF… (repeats for three and a half pages).

To play, post your own answers on Twitter to @pasquinade with the hashtag #StuffComeyWrote, comment on the post on our Facebook page, or comment here. I encourage you, as well, to share this post freely. The more folks playing, the more there is to enjoy.

If you have an idea for a future list, send it to us at submissions@nationalpasquinade.com, along with at least three list items for each list submitted. Maybe you’ll see your list in a future installment or even in the digital pages of National Pasquinade.


Update: Here are some additional examples, posted earlier today.

  • Having read his Twitter feed, I have to ponder the depths of Trump’s handwritten journal. Are they just doodles of penises?
  • Ow!!! Writer’s Cramp!!! Damn it, why did I just write that?! I really need to stop writing this down! Oh my god, the pain!
  • Then Donald grabbed my crotch as he looked me in the eye and, in his bedroom voice, said “Comey, Comey, Comey.”
  • I’m good enough. I’m smart enough. And, goshdarnit, people like me.
  • Dear Diary: Another day, another wedgie. If it’s the last thing I do, those rich orange-faced bastards will pay.
  • The president said he wanted to start paying my salary in bitcoin, so I walked out of his office. Next thing I know…
  • Never will I gorge myself on Taco Bell the night before testifying before Congress. Not good!
  • I know the Colonel’s secret recipe, but I can’t even tell the president. #BurdensOfAnFBIDirector
  • I want to help Mulder and Scully get to the truth, but Gorak the Orange-Haired has threatened to disintegrate my family.

Muselist No. 78: Fake #

Muselist LogoMusic has always come hand-in-hand with putting together each issue of the National Pasquinade, inspiring the content and creation. Hell, “muse” is even part of the word!

What follows here are some tunes to inspire myself and the other writers and artists during the creation of the upcoming Fake #. Maybe they’ll also inspire you to create and submit your own comic masterpiece. Submissions can be emailed to us at submissions@nationalpasquinade.com. Please read through our Submissions page, and devour a recent issue or two, before submitting, so that you have some idea of what we’re looking for.

If you’d like to listen on Spotify, I’ve created a playlist just for you (note that all of the songs listed below may not be available on Spotify).

  • “Little Lies” (Fleetwood Mac)
  • “Miserable Liar” (The Pale Stars)
  • “Best Imitation of Myself” (Ben Folds Five)
  • “Fake Plastic Trees” (Radiohead)
  • “Phony” (Stereo Twins)
  • “Counterfeit Halo” (Sara Haze)
  • “The Pretender” (Jackson Browne)
  • “The Royal Scam” (Steely Dan)
  • “Artificial Rhonda” (Frank Zappa)
  • “Pseudo-Intellectual” (Redd Kross)
  • “Your Cheatin’ Heart” (Patsy Cline)
  • “The Card Cheat” (The Clash)
  • “Fraud” (Jonathan Coulton)
  • “Lies of Summer” (Aimee Mann)
  • “You Can’t Judge a Book By Its Cover” (Bo Diddley)
  • “I’m the Urban Spaceman” (Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band)
  • “Hang On Mike” (The Candy Butchers)
  • “Illusions In G Major” (Electric Light Orchestra)
  • “Give Me Some Truth” (John Lennon)
  • “Time to Pretend” (MGMT)
  • “Little Lie” (The Rosenbergs)
  • “Mr. Roboto” (Styx)
  • “Not What It Appears” (The Tories)
  • “Liar’s Club” (Vanilla)
  • “Lies” (The Knickerbockers)

Lucky # (No. 77, Spring 2017)

Fortunately for you, Lucky #Issue No. 77, the Lucky #, is now available for download.

Featuring a couple of humorous stories, as well as our usual letters and lists, you may want to hold on to this issue for luck.

It is currently available as a mobi file for Kindle users, and as an epub for other e-readers. It will also be available as a PDF for everyone else very soon. More details can be found on the Downloads page.

New Issue Coming in April!

National Pasquinade No. 77Hey everybody! It’s the editor, Ed, with a Very Important Announcement™ for our faithful readers. I know we stated at the end of the last issue that our next theme would be “Luck.” However, due to contractual conflicts with the state lottery commission and a very intimidating gentleman from New Jersey named “Ratso,” we’ve decided to change the theme of the upcoming issue. We’ve had to scrap several very funny stories and articles and write new pieces to fit this theme. New stories like “Don’t Miss the Skidmark” and “Phil Collins Goes To The Movies Commando!” are sure to please.

Watch for National Pasquinade No. 77, the I’m Not Wearing Any Underwear #, coming in April!

Humor Writing Prompt #5: Fucking Leprechauns!

Humor Writing Prompts

And don’t wish for more wishes. There’s been a loophole to counter that one for over sixty years. Those little assholes have pooled their collective knowledge through social networking and it’s virtually impossible to formulate a great wish that won’t screw you in the end.

In an ongoing attempt to jump-start your attempt to pen something uproariously funny, or at the very least amusing, here’s another jolt of inspiration for you creative types to use as you will.

Fucking Leprechauns. Sure, if you catch one, it’ll grant you wishes. But can you trust that the wishes won’t have some unexpected and unfortunate twist? And how in bloody hell do you catch one anyway? Sure, in the movies you just lure them into a trap with a small pot of gold-painted coins, but it’s a new millennium, folks. They’ve had centuries to adapt. I want to know what I need to do to catch a leprechaun in 2017. And what I have to do to ensure my wishes of fame and fortune don’t backfire on me. #FuckingLeprechauns

Share your results, or a link to your results if they’re longer, in the comments, if you feel so compelled. Happy writing.

Humor Writing Prompt #4: Five Words

Humor Writing Prompts

Like the tail of the thawing opossum peeking from a deep puddle of slush, I could feel the start of a bad case of shingles coming on. “Don’t fret,” she said to me. “If they don’t look good on our roof, we can always donate them to Goodwill.”

In an ongoing attempt to jump-start your attempt to pen something uproariously funny, or at the very least amusing, here’s another jolt of inspiration for you creative types to use as you will.

Five Words. Choose three of the following five words to include in a single paragraph. Form of the word is okay. For instance, “donates” and “donated” are fair game. As an additional challenge, use your paragraph in a story. #FiveWordsHWP

  • Opossum
  • Donate
  • Fret
  • Slush
  • Shingles

Share your results, or a link to your results if they’re longer, in the comments, if you feel so compelled. Happy writing.

Muselist No. 77: Lucky #

Muselist

Music has always come hand-in-hand with putting together each issue of the National Pasquinade, inspiring the content and creation. Hell, “muse” is even part of the word!

What follows here are some tunes that are inspiring me during the creation of the upcoming Lucky #. Maybe they’ll also inspire you to create and submit your own comic masterpiece.

If you’d like to listen on Spotify, I’ve created a playlist just for you (note that not all of the songs listed below are available).

  • “With a Little Luck” (Paul McCartney and Wings)
  • “(Believed You Were) Lucky” (‘Til Tuesday)
  • “I Bet My Life” (Imagine Dragons)
  • “You Got Lucky” (Tom Petty)
  • “Happy Go Lucky Me” (Paul Evans)
  • “Some Guys Have All The Luck” (Rod Stewart)
  • “Casino Queen” (Wilco)
  • “Lucky Star” (Madonna)
  • “Knock On Wood” (Amii Stewart)
  • “Tumbling Dice” (The Rolling Stones)
  • “The Lottery Song” (Nilsson)
  • “The Turn of a Friendly Card” (The Alan Parsons Project)
  • “Lucky Man” (Emerson, Lake & Palmer)
  • “The Joker” (The Steve Miller Band)
  • “Queen of Hearts” (Juice Newton)
  • “Lucky One” (Michael Penn)
  • “Casino Royale” (Herb Alpert & the Tijuana Brass)
  • “I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor” (Arctic Monkeys)
  • “Junior’s Farm” (Paul McCartney and Wings)
  • “Viva Las Vegas” (Elvis Presley)
  • “Lucky Strike” (Maroon 5)
  • “Money For Nothing” (Dire Straits)
  • “Lucky Devil” (Carl Dobkins, Jr.)
  • “Atlantic City” (Bruce Springsteen)
  • “Beatin’ The Odds” (Molly Hatchet)
  • “The Gambler” (Kenny Rogers)
  • “Chances Are” (Johnny Mathis)
  • “The Luckiest” (Ben Folds)
  • “Show Biz Kids” (Steely Dan)
  • “Born Under A Bad Sign” (Albert King)
  • “Take a Chance On Me” (Abba)
  • “Fortune Cookie” (Los Straitjackets)
  • “The Lucky One” (Mary Lou Lord)
  • “Guaranteed” (John Hoskinson)
  • “You Better You Bet” (The Who)
  • “Gambling Man (My Odds Are Stacked)” (The Worst Cover Band Of The World)

 

Humor Writing Prompt #3: Run-On (and On and On and On)

Humor Writing Prompts

“It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents — except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.”
— Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, Paul Clifford (1830)

In an ongoing attempt to jump-start your attempt to pen something uproariously funny, or at the very least amusing, here’s another jolt of inspiration for you creative types to use as you will.

Humor Writing Prompt #3: Inspired by, and in the fine and longstanding tradition (well, since 1982) of, The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, write, type, or word-process the opening sentence to your future self’s bestselling novel, any genre; this glorious sentence should contain, at the very least, fifty words, should contain no more than one semicolon, and unlike this run-on atrocity, should be funny on some level and convey something similar to a plot.

Share your results, or a link to your results if they’re longer, in the comments, if you feel so compelled. Happy writing.

Make America Grate Again # (No. 76, Winter 2017)

76. Make America Grate AgainIssue 76, the Make America Grate Again #, is now available for download.

It’s not a particularly lengthy issue, but what it lacks in quantity, it makes up for in quality.

It is currently available as a mobi file for Kindle users, as an epub for other e-readers, and as a PDF for everyone else. More details can be found on the Downloads page.

 

Listeria #18: How To Spend A Snow Day

Listeria #18This installment of Listeria was submitted by the Midnight Tree Bandit. He lives in Maine. Maine has already seen a great deal of snow this season. When huge amounts of snow fall, schools will close and students get to stay home; employers will sometimes grant their employees a day off from work. The above has been stated to give some context to this installment of Listeria to hashtaggers playing in Florida.

How to Spend a Snow Day

  • Build a snow effigy of Donald Trump and hit it with a flamethrower, screaming “This is the best meltdown ever!  No body melts down like me!”
  • Figure out how to make a snow devil
  • Add stunt ramps to the local snowmobile trails

To play, post your own answers on Twitter to @pasquinade with the hashtag #SnowDayActivities, comment on the post on our Facebook page, or comment here. I encourage you, as well, to share this post freely. The more folks playing, the more there is to enjoy.

Still open: