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About pasquinade

Poorly-dressed Editor-in-Chief of National Pasquinade. Mostly funny.

Humor Writing Prompt #8: NatPasq 20th Anniversary, Part 3 of 10

Humor Writing Prompts

“Take away that pudding—it has no theme.”

—Sir Winston Churchill

A couple weeks ago, National Pasquinade began prompting you with themes from the last twenty years of the magazine. The challenge each week will be to write a funny piece, based on the themes below, that could have appeared in the magazine during the issue’s time frame.

Time Frame: Fall 2001 through Spring 2003. The new millennium has really started to take off and you can pay for it all with the new Euro! Every country in Europe will want the Euro. It’s the Currency For The New Millennium! Create a funny story, parody, or article based on one of the following themes:

  • Classified
  • Cleverly Deceptive
  • Ticking Package Wrapped in Greasy Brown Paper
  • Chaos
  • Gambling
  • Underground Comic
  • Surreality Television

Share your results, or a link to your results if they’re longer, in the comments, if you feel so compelled. If you’re especially satisfied with your results, why not submit your finished piece to National Pasquinade for its 20th Anniversary Issue? The deadline for submissions is November 15, 2017, if you pay attention to deadlines.Happy writing.

Humor Writing Prompt #7: NatPasq 20th Anniversary, Part 2 of 10

Humor Writing Prompts

“Take away that pudding—it has no theme.”

—Sir Winston Churchill

Starting last week, National Pasquinade began prompting you with themes from the last twenty years of the magazine. The challenge each week will be to write a funny piece, based on the themes below, that could have appeared in the magazine during the issue’s time frame.

Time Frame: Winter 1999/2000 through Summer 2001. The Y2K bug never really materialized, but nobody will ever forget needing to scratch out the little “19” on every check you wrote. You still write checks, right? Create a funny story, parody, or article based on one of the following themes:

  • The Second-to-Last Award Show Ever
  • Proofreaders’ Strike
  • Happy 224th
  • Lucky Halloween
  • Flushed
  • Coulda Been a Contender
  • Dog Days

Share your results, or a link to your results if they’re longer, in the comments, if you feel so compelled. If you’re especially satisfied with your results, why not submit your finished piece to National Pasquinade for its 20th Anniversary Issue? The deadline for submissions is November 15, 2017, if you pay attention to deadlines.Happy writing.

Humor Writing Prompt #6: NatPasq 20th Anniversary, Part 1 of 10

Humor Writing Prompts

“Take away that pudding—it has no theme.”

—Sir Winston Churchill

For the next ten weeks, National Pasquinade will be prompting you with themes from the last twenty years of the magazine. The challenge is to write a funny piece, based on the themes below, that could have appeared in the magazine during the issue’s time frame.

Time Frame: Spring 1998 through Fall 1999. Put those pagers on vibrate and open up Windows 98™, we’re visiting the very late ’90s. Create a funny story, parody, or article based on one of the following themes:

  • Fly the Friendly Skies
  • Hi-Jinks and Misadventures
  • Health and Fitness
  • Special Olympics Preview
  • Bad Poetry
  • Looking on the Bright Side
  • Abundant Cornucopia

Share your results, or a link to your results if they’re longer, in the comments, if you feel so compelled. If you’re especially satisfied with your results, why not submit your finished piece to National Pasquinade for its 20th Anniversary Issue? The deadline for submissions is November 15, 2017, if you pay attention to deadlines.Happy writing.

They Say It’s Your Birthday…

Like that cute person you met at the club and brought home with you, the deadline for NatPasq #78 came and went. There are several reasons for this that I won’t bore you with. Therefore, like we have done so many times in the past, we’ll move forward to #79. We’ll use material submitted for the last issue where we can. My sincerest apologies.

So.

A little bird was just mentioning that some little humor magazine is going to be twenty years old next month. No, not that one. No, that one isn’t even funny. No, I’m talking about the National Pasquinade.

This fall, we celebrate twenty years of missed deadlines and issues that never actually materialized. We’re proud of our two decades of a few pretty funny issues. We hope that you will be as well.

This fall.

Really.

We mean it this time.


Note: For those of you interested in submitting for the Anniversary Issue, please see the guidelines and upcoming themes for the list of themes/time frames to write against.

Listeria #19: Things James Comey Has Written in His Notebook

Listeria No. 19: Comey's NotebookIt was recently revealed that former FBI director James Comey took extensive notes on everything, including his meetings with Donald Trump. This installment of Listeria wonders what Comey’s other musings might be.

Things James Comey Has Written in His Notebook

  • That Gilmore Girls reunion on NetFlix? Really sweet. Even after binging it for the fifth time.
  • Trump knows about the aliens. No, scratch that, he just talking about the Mexicans again.
  • WTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTF… (repeats for three and a half pages).

To play, post your own answers on Twitter to @pasquinade with the hashtag #StuffComeyWrote, comment on the post on our Facebook page, or comment here. I encourage you, as well, to share this post freely. The more folks playing, the more there is to enjoy.

If you have an idea for a future list, send it to us at submissions@nationalpasquinade.com, along with at least three list items for each list submitted. Maybe you’ll see your list in a future installment or even in the digital pages of National Pasquinade.


Update: Here are some additional examples, posted earlier today.

  • Having read his Twitter feed, I have to ponder the depths of Trump’s handwritten journal. Are they just doodles of penises?
  • Ow!!! Writer’s Cramp!!! Damn it, why did I just write that?! I really need to stop writing this down! Oh my god, the pain!
  • Then Donald grabbed my crotch as he looked me in the eye and, in his bedroom voice, said “Comey, Comey, Comey.”
  • I’m good enough. I’m smart enough. And, goshdarnit, people like me.
  • Dear Diary: Another day, another wedgie. If it’s the last thing I do, those rich orange-faced bastards will pay.
  • The president said he wanted to start paying my salary in bitcoin, so I walked out of his office. Next thing I know…
  • Never will I gorge myself on Taco Bell the night before testifying before Congress. Not good!
  • I know the Colonel’s secret recipe, but I can’t even tell the president. #BurdensOfAnFBIDirector
  • I want to help Mulder and Scully get to the truth, but Gorak the Orange-Haired has threatened to disintegrate my family.

Muselist No. 78: Fake #

Muselist LogoMusic has always come hand-in-hand with putting together each issue of the National Pasquinade, inspiring the content and creation. Hell, “muse” is even part of the word!

What follows here are some tunes to inspire myself and the other writers and artists during the creation of the upcoming Fake #. Maybe they’ll also inspire you to create and submit your own comic masterpiece. Submissions can be emailed to us at submissions@nationalpasquinade.com. Please read through our Submissions page, and devour a recent issue or two, before submitting, so that you have some idea of what we’re looking for.

If you’d like to listen on Spotify, I’ve created a playlist just for you (note that all of the songs listed below may not be available on Spotify).

  • “Little Lies” (Fleetwood Mac)
  • “Miserable Liar” (The Pale Stars)
  • “Best Imitation of Myself” (Ben Folds Five)
  • “Fake Plastic Trees” (Radiohead)
  • “Phony” (Stereo Twins)
  • “Counterfeit Halo” (Sara Haze)
  • “The Pretender” (Jackson Browne)
  • “The Royal Scam” (Steely Dan)
  • “Artificial Rhonda” (Frank Zappa)
  • “Pseudo-Intellectual” (Redd Kross)
  • “Your Cheatin’ Heart” (Patsy Cline)
  • “The Card Cheat” (The Clash)
  • “Fraud” (Jonathan Coulton)
  • “Lies of Summer” (Aimee Mann)
  • “You Can’t Judge a Book By Its Cover” (Bo Diddley)
  • “I’m the Urban Spaceman” (Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band)
  • “Hang On Mike” (The Candy Butchers)
  • “Illusions In G Major” (Electric Light Orchestra)
  • “Give Me Some Truth” (John Lennon)
  • “Time to Pretend” (MGMT)
  • “Little Lie” (The Rosenbergs)
  • “Mr. Roboto” (Styx)
  • “Not What It Appears” (The Tories)
  • “Liar’s Club” (Vanilla)
  • “Lies” (The Knickerbockers)

Lucky # (No. 77, Spring 2017)

Fortunately for you, Lucky #Issue No. 77, the Lucky #, is now available for download.

Featuring a couple of humorous stories, as well as our usual letters and lists, you may want to hold on to this issue for luck.

It is currently available as a mobi file for Kindle users, and as an epub for other e-readers. It will also be available as a PDF for everyone else very soon. More details can be found on the Downloads page.

New Issue Coming in April!

National Pasquinade No. 77Hey everybody! It’s the editor, Ed, with a Very Important Announcement™ for our faithful readers. I know we stated at the end of the last issue that our next theme would be “Luck.” However, due to contractual conflicts with the state lottery commission and a very intimidating gentleman from New Jersey named “Ratso,” we’ve decided to change the theme of the upcoming issue. We’ve had to scrap several very funny stories and articles and write new pieces to fit this theme. New stories like “Don’t Miss the Skidmark” and “Phil Collins Goes To The Movies Commando!” are sure to please.

Watch for National Pasquinade No. 77, the I’m Not Wearing Any Underwear #, coming in April!

Humor Writing Prompt #5: Fucking Leprechauns!

Humor Writing Prompts

And don’t wish for more wishes. There’s been a loophole to counter that one for over sixty years. Those little assholes have pooled their collective knowledge through social networking and it’s virtually impossible to formulate a great wish that won’t screw you in the end.

In an ongoing attempt to jump-start your attempt to pen something uproariously funny, or at the very least amusing, here’s another jolt of inspiration for you creative types to use as you will.

Fucking Leprechauns. Sure, if you catch one, it’ll grant you wishes. But can you trust that the wishes won’t have some unexpected and unfortunate twist? And how in bloody hell do you catch one anyway? Sure, in the movies you just lure them into a trap with a small pot of gold-painted coins, but it’s a new millennium, folks. They’ve had centuries to adapt. I want to know what I need to do to catch a leprechaun in 2017. And what I have to do to ensure my wishes of fame and fortune don’t backfire on me. #FuckingLeprechauns

Share your results, or a link to your results if they’re longer, in the comments, if you feel so compelled. Happy writing.

Humor Writing Prompt #4: Five Words

Humor Writing Prompts

Like the tail of the thawing opossum peeking from a deep puddle of slush, I could feel the start of a bad case of shingles coming on. “Don’t fret,” she said to me. “If they don’t look good on our roof, we can always donate them to Goodwill.”

In an ongoing attempt to jump-start your attempt to pen something uproariously funny, or at the very least amusing, here’s another jolt of inspiration for you creative types to use as you will.

Five Words. Choose three of the following five words to include in a single paragraph. Form of the word is okay. For instance, “donates” and “donated” are fair game. As an additional challenge, use your paragraph in a story. #FiveWordsHWP

  • Opossum
  • Donate
  • Fret
  • Slush
  • Shingles

Share your results, or a link to your results if they’re longer, in the comments, if you feel so compelled. Happy writing.