Category Archives: General

New Issue Coming in April!

National Pasquinade No. 77Hey everybody! It’s the editor, Ed, with a Very Important Announcement™ for our faithful readers. I know we stated at the end of the last issue that our next theme would be “Luck.” However, due to contractual conflicts with the state lottery commission and a very intimidating gentleman from New Jersey named “Ratso,” we’ve decided to change the theme of the upcoming issue. We’ve had to scrap several very funny stories and articles and write new pieces to fit this theme. New stories like “Don’t Miss the Skidmark” and “Phil Collins Goes To The Movies Commando!” are sure to please.

Watch for National Pasquinade No. 77, the I’m Not Wearing Any Underwear #, coming in April!

Make America Grate Again # (No. 76, Winter 2017)

76. Make America Grate AgainIssue 76, the Make America Grate Again #, is now available for download.

It’s not a particularly lengthy issue, but what it lacks in quantity, it makes up for in quality.

It is currently available as a mobi file for Kindle users, as an epub for other e-readers, and as a PDF for everyone else. More details can be found on the Downloads page.

 

Listeria #17: Where The Time Has Gone

Listeria #17Happy New Years’ Eve. It’s been awhile since posting a new Listeria topic. But I wanted to get one more in before the end of 2016.

This time, we wonder where the time has gone. Play along on Facebook and Twitter and, when the ball drops, remember the optimism that a new year brings. And try not to kiss a frog.

Where The Time Has Gone

  • Nowhere. There are still three issues in my doctor’s waiting room.
  • On the corner of Mill and Union Streets.
  • How would I know? I can’t even find my car keys!
  • It’s being shared with an older couple in Boca Raton.

To play, post your own answers on Twitter to @pasquinade with the hashtag #WhereTheTimeHasGone, comment on the post on our Facebook page, or comment here. I encourage you, as well, to share this post freely. The more folks playing, the more there is to enjoy.

Still open:

Cowering In Fear# (No. 75, Spring 2016)

75. Cowering In FearIssue 75, the Cowering In Fear #, is now available for download.

It’s not a particularly lengthy issue, but what it lacks in quantity, it makes up for in quality.

It is currently available as a mobi file for Kindle users and as an epub for other e-readers. More details can be found on the Downloads page.

Update: The PDF for issue 75 is now available for download as well.

 

Fuzzy Deadlines

We were shooting for January to release the Cowering in Fear issue. And it’s February. Late February. Stress on the word “late.”

Therefore, we’ve pushed the new issue out a little to release in late March or April. A spring release. In someone’s eyes, maybe that’s appropriate. “Spring release”? Get it?

Anyway.

There have been several reasons for pushing this deadline out. Here are some of those reasons:

  1. Lack of submissions. I don’t really feel that I’ve gotten the word out to the degree that it needs to be gotten out. I’d like to see another one or two pieces in this issue to beef up the word count a bit. So, if you’re reading this, tweet or post to all your fledgling writer friends that NatPasq is looking for submissions which can be emailed to submissions@nationalpasquinade.com. If they say they don’t have email, tell them they don’t have any friends either. Luddite losers.
  2. Regular Features. I’m still determining what recurring sections will be a part of the electronic version. So far, Editorial-In-Chief, Letters section, the Muselist, and Listeria, will definitely be recurring. One or two other ideas are germinating, but it’s been a cold winter and it’s hard to grow anything this time of the year.
  3. Make America Great Again. It seemed much more appropriate to have our next theme be issue seventy-six instead of seventy-five.
  4. Time. I’m told by experts that it is linear.

Please spread the word the best you can through your favorite social media, word of mouth, or even more creative venues (eg, via Post-It Notes™ placed strategically on page 75 of library books on Creative Writing). I’m trying but I need every little bit of help that I can get. Ultimately, I want NatPasq to be a group effort, a labor of love, between like-minded humorists.

Thank you.

Construction Zone

Footnotes!I apologize for the recent silence. Since the holidays, I’ve been focusing on the ebook/magazine. I’ve been writing bits and pieces, and trying to work these pieces into the format.

Pieces like Listeria. Bits like footnotes. I have a Kindle Paperwhite, but I’m also testing the formats in several other readers available on iOS. So far, here’s what’s seems good, and what seems, well, not so good.

First, my physical Kindle keeps getting better and better. A recent update apparently added a footnote feature that displays the footnote in a little window. Previously, it moved you to a footnote page, usually at the end of the book. If you accidentally exited the book while on the footnote page, which I’ve done more than once, the synced location marker would get saved with no easy way to reset it.

I’ve only added footnotes to my test tonight, but I’ve found that the Kobo Reader for iOS does the same thing as the Kindle, although the Kindle apps for iOS do not (disappointing, but hopefully this will change on a future update).

Another recent bit I’ve been playing with is drop caps. The Paperwhite and the Kindle iOS apps make the drop caps bigger, as you can see in the image above, but the Kobo app renders them in the way I expect them to appear (see image below).

Drop Caps!

Other iOS-based readers I’ve tried and been less impressed with include: Nook (maybe the physical Nook reader is better than the app, but the app kind of sucks); Bookperk (which is more of a book discovery app, but has an epub reader built-in; drop caps are good, but footnotes still go to a footnote page; occasionally bad formatting, but works well enough for an afterthought feature); iBooks (Nice rendering; drop caps are great; footnotes flip to footnotes pages at end); and Blio (Drop caps render nicely, but footnotes are as weak as the others).

I’m also working on putting together other content for this issue. And it isn’t too late to submit your work for the Cowering In Fear#, so hurry and get your submissions in to submissions@nationalpasquinade.com.

A Thousand and One Thank Yous

I’ve been on Twitter for a long time. The 140-character limit adapted well to my preference for short-form humor so, for me, it was a better fit than Facebook.

This week, I hit the 1,000-follower milestone. I’m so thankful for the amazing people choosing to pay attention to @pasquinade, hoping for that occasional flash of brilliance in the form of a clever one-liner (odds are that it could happen soon).

So, thank you. Tell your friends about @pasquinade and maybe next week I can post about hitting the 2,000-follower mark. More likely, it’ll be some silly #hashtag war, but we are all dreamers, are we not?

A Mockist Proposal

Peace for Paris

In the days, weeks, months, and years following the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001, I felt like my sense of all that is funny was violently stripped from my soul. This feeling persisted for a very long time, but slowly it subsided and, gradually, I healed.

Terrorist groups like ISIS and Al Qaida have since made many smaller, but no less tragic, attacks commonplace around the world. Including the recent attacks in France on Charlie Hebdo and the tragedy of November 13. We live in a world now where these mass killings are a weekly, if not daily, news story. And throughout it all, more than ever, we need to retain our sense of humor.

We’ve tried bombing these cowards, even succeeding in killing a few in the process, but maybe we need another tactic. Let’s mock the bastards! Come on, internet! Do what you do best: bully the terrorists until they run home crying to their mommies! Then bully their mommies for raising such weak children!

Through it all, National Pasquinade is with you, Paris, and the World (as are the beings of a small undiscovered planet of surprisingly-strong mantis-like creatures who “Like” and “Favorite” everything they can on social media, whether or not they really like it).

Postscript: Since posting this earlier, I’ve come across another blogger’s more serious words on this subject. You can check out Serial Word Abuser‘s post at https://serialwordabuser.wordpress.com/2015/11/14/a-brief-word/.