Listeria Week #7: Dirty Peanuts

Listeria007_DirtyPeanuts

Today marks the fiftieth anniversary of the premiere of A Charlie Brown Christmas. So, naturally, all the main characters have grown up and talk like “wah-wah wah-wah-wah…” Right? While the long-running holiday classic will always portray the Peanuts kids in their youthful innocence, in this week’s Listeria we envision a cast of Peanuts characters who have grown up and enjoyed many sexual exploits (or in some cases, maybe not… good grief!) and maybe gained one or two weird fetishes.

So this week’s Listeria topic is Dirty Peanuts (and do not, I repeat, DO NOT look that up in the Urban Dictionary). Just dirty up a Peanuts character. For example:

Marcie is now a lesbian porn star that goes by the name “Peppermint Panties”

Dominatrix Lucy still charges five cents per consultation

Linus will not leave his New York apartment unless he’s wearing chiffon

To play, post your own on Twitter to @pasquinade with the hashtag #DirtyPeanuts, comment on the post on our Facebook page, or comment here. I encourage you, as well, to share this post freely. Previous weeks, listed below, are still open. The more folks playing the game, the more fun everyone has reading them. Then, just make a crapload of toast and popcorn, let a few friends invite themselves over, and enjoy the fun.

Maybe one of your posts will be featured in the next ebook issue of National Pasquinade.

Previous Weeks:

Week #6: Christmas Creepy

Week #5: Turkey Bands

Week #4: Mock the Terrorists

Week #3: Things to Do With Your Extra Daylight Savings Hour

Week #2: Rejected Old Wives’ Tales

Week #1: New Fears That a 2017-20 Republican Presidency Would Bring

Listeria Week #6: Christmas Creepy

#XmasCreepy

It’s December and we all know what that means! It seems like the Christmas decorations come out earlier and earlier every year. I’m sure everyone still had their Halloween decorations displayed this time last year, right?

So, to celebrate “Christmas Creep,” this week’s Listeria topic is Christmas Creepy. Tell us your about the creepiest Christmas imagery your funny mind can dream up. For example:

Ernie the Seven-Fingered Cash4Gold Elf

Cigar Store Santa

Rudolph the Shit-Faced Reindeer

To play, post your own on Twitter to @pasquinade with the hashtag #XmasCreepy, comment on the post on our Facebook page, or comment here. I encourage you, as well, to share this post freely. Previous weeks, listed below, are still open. The more folks playing the game, the more fun everyone has reading them. Then, just kick back with some spiked egg nog, don your ugliest Christmas sweater, and enjoy the fun.

Maybe one of your posts will be featured in the next ebook issue of National Pasquinade.

Previous Weeks:

Week #5: Turkey Bands

Week #4: Mock the Terrorists

Week #3: Things to Do With Your Extra Daylight Savings Hour

Week #2: Rejected Old Wives’ Tales

Week #1: New Fears That a 2017-20 Republican Presidency Would Bring

Listeria Week #5: Turkey Bands

  
Thanksgiving is this Thursday, so in honor of the day of turkey, this week’s Listeria is #TurkeyBands. No, we’re not talking about the metal bracelets used to identify birds in the wild, we’re talking about turkefying your favorite bands. For instance:

Drum-Styx

Bachman-Turner Overcooked

The Canned Cranberries

To play, post your own on Twitter to @pasquinade with the hashtag #TurkeyBands, comment on the post on our Facebook page, or comment here. I encourage you, as well, to share this post freely. The more folks playing the game, the more fun everyone has reading them. Then, just kick back, undo your belt, and let the tryptophan distribute itself throughout your circulatory system.

Previous Weeks:
Week #4: Mock the Terrorists

Week #3: Things to Do With Your Extra Daylight Savings Hour

Week #2: Rejected Old Wives’ Tales

Week #1: New Fears That a 2017-20 Republican Presidency Would Bring

Listeria Week #4: Mock the Terrorists

#MockTheTerroristsIn light of the last week’s events in Paris, we must #MockTheTerrorists (see the previous post). This can include riddles, funny limericks or haikus, one-liners, anything that allows us to retain a sense of humor through the ever-growing tragedies that are becoming all too commonplace. For example:

Q: How many terrorists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What’s the point? They don’t have electricity in the cave.

To play, post your own on Twitter to @pasquinade with the hashtag #MockTheTerrorists, comment on the post on our Facebook page, or comment here. I encourage you, as well, to share this post freely. The more folks playing the game, the more fun everyone has reading them. Then, just kick back and avoid any public places for a couple months.

Previous Weeks:

A Mockist Proposal

Peace for Paris

In the days, weeks, months, and years following the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001, I felt like my sense of all that is funny was violently stripped from my soul. This feeling persisted for a very long time, but slowly it subsided and, gradually, I healed.

Terrorist groups like ISIS and Al Qaida have since made many smaller, but no less tragic, attacks commonplace around the world. Including the recent attacks in France on Charlie Hebdo and the tragedy of November 13. We live in a world now where these mass killings are a weekly, if not daily, news story. And throughout it all, more than ever, we need to retain our sense of humor.

We’ve tried bombing these cowards, even succeeding in killing a few in the process, but maybe we need another tactic. Let’s mock the bastards! Come on, internet! Do what you do best: bully the terrorists until they run home crying to their mommies! Then bully their mommies for raising such weak children!

Through it all, National Pasquinade is with you, Paris, and the World (as are the beings of a small undiscovered planet of surprisingly-strong mantis-like creatures who “Like” and “Favorite” everything they can on social media, whether or not they really like it).

Postscript: Since posting this earlier, I’ve come across another blogger’s more serious words on this subject. You can check out Serial Word Abuser‘s post at https://serialwordabuser.wordpress.com/2015/11/14/a-brief-word/.

Listeria Week #3: Things to Do With Your Extra Daylight Savings Hour

Fall Back Tonight’s the night we “fall back” and, in honor of this annual event, this week’s Listeria topic is Things to Do With Your Extra Daylight Savings Hour. An example might be:

That bag of Halloween candy ain’t gonna eat itself

To play, post your own on Twitter to @pasquinade with the hashtag #BonusHourActivities, comment on the post on our Facebook page, or comment here. I encourage you, as well, to share this post freely. The more folks playing the game, the more fun everyone has reading them. Then just sit back and enjoy the hayride.

Listeria Week #2: Rejected Old Wives’ Tales

IMG_5278On to our second week of funny-list-making! This one’s not a political theme, so maybe we can have more fun with it. For example:

Starve a fever, feed a cold; teach a fever to starve…

To play along, post your Twitter responses to @pasquinade with the hashtag #rejectedwivestales, comment on the post on our Facebook page, or comment here. I encourage you, as well, to share this post freely. The more folks playing the game, the more fun everyone has reading them.

Cowering In Fear # (Artless Cover)

IMG_5252_crCurrently, the cover for the Cowering In Fear # is a bit empty. Any ideas for what should go on the cover? Anyone willing to lend their talents to creating the opening image? (Seriously, no pressure.)

Also, I’ve added a Facebook page for the magazine. So, please, click over to http://www.facebook.com/nationalpasquinade and like us.

And, as always, you can follow us on Twitter at @pasquinade.

Listeria

We’re launching a new feature today along the lines of the #HashtagWars. The Pasquinade has always featured funny lists. Starting today, we’re experimenting with crowdsourcing the lists.

Each week or so, we’ll supply a topic–this week’s topic is New Fears That a 2017-20 Republican Presidency Would Bring–and you supply funny items for the list.

For example, a response to this week’s topic might be:

The next Republican president will build a wall around every Mexican restaurant in the United States.

You can post responses as a reply this post, on Twitter (add the following to your post: @pasquinade #NewRepubFears #ListeriaLists), or just email your list items to: editor-in-chief@nationalpasquinade.com.